, Where to begin? I suppose from the beginning... My heart for missions began in high school. Mission trips became a regular part of life. Luckily, God gave me so many opportunities. I was able to see so much of the world and love on so many of his people. I definitely took all of those opportunities for granted. The last trip I went on was to Kenya in 2007. In May of 2008, the Lord suddenly placed the country of China on my heart. I couldn't get the country, the people, and especially the orphans out of my head. I knew I had to go there. I just didn't know how or when. That same summer, the Chapman's daughter Maria, who was adopted from China, died. Through following this news story, I learned about Show Hope. The next school year, I continued praying for China and a chance to go there. Every once and a while, I would browse the Show Hope website, this is how I learned about a place for special needs orphans that was being built called Maria's Big House of Hope. I fell in love with that place from the second I saw it. I wanted to go there so badly. That year, I often worked the closing shift from 12-1 am in the library. One night, I was bored and decided to check out what was going on at Maria's. I found a link where you could apply to go on a mission trip to China to visit Maria's and I was so excited. I will never forget that night. As I began making the decision to apply, I never came to a peace about it. I went back and forth. I was so scared of the price. $3,200 seemed like the biggest number I had ever seen in my life. I never gave the decision up to God. At the last minute, I decided to send in an application with no recommendation and with 1 minute to spare before the deadline. I still didn't feel at peace about it. The next week, while on spring break in Florida, I received an email saying that I hadn't been accepted to the trip. I put on a brave face but I was crushed. I knew God wanted me to go to China, why wasn't he letting me? However, I was also sort of relieved. I didn't have to work over the next few months to raise the money. Over the next year, my heart for the orphans of China grew and so did my desire to travel to China, specifically Maria's. I prayed for God to forgive me for not giving the decision up to Him and for him to open up the opportunity again for me to travel there the next summer. I frequently checked the website but there was no application for a trip to China. Then finally one day, I was once again working in the library and I received an email saying that Show Hope was going to take a trip to Maria's and applications were available. I had no doubts this time. I knew God could provide the money and I knew it was my time to go. I had an incredible peace that I didn't have before. I submitted my application and began waiting for March 5th, the day that Show Hope was going to let those who had been chosen know that they would be going.
The day came. It was a Friday. I probably checked my email 100 times, everytime, there was no email from Show Hope. As the day went on, I became more and more upset because I thought I had been rejected again. I decided to take a nap to try and get my mind off of it. I was awakened by a phone call from my mother. I answered and was greeted by her voice saying: "You're going to China!" Katie McGunnigal left a message on my home phone earlier that day saying that I had been accepted. That was one of the best moments in my entire life. I celebrated by going to Moes and the dollar theatre that night. Lindsey bought me sour patch kids as a congratulations (that part isn't really essential to the story, just a fond detail of that day that sticks out in my head). The preparations began. I mailed out support letters, got a new passport, sent in my visa application, and all the other preparations that go along with traveling to Asia. We got packets with team bios and I facebook stalked everyone. I felt so blessed and happy. I couldn't wait to see what God was going to do in my life.
On April 16th, I was given news that crushed me. I was pulled aside after class and my professor told me that they were worried that they were setting me up to fail in nursing. I had 2 choices, drop the class now or they would give me an automatic fail at the end of the semester. I did not even see it coming. For those of you who know me, nursing was pretty much everything. Having to retake a class may not seem like a big deal but to me it was devastating. Besides going to China, it was the only thing I was absolutely sure that God wanted me to do with my life. I don't even know how to describe the emotions that I felt. I was angry. I felt betrayed by my professors. I was envious of all of my classmates that would be moving on next semester. Most of all, I was defeated. I left school so broken and so bitter. That bitterness kept growing and overtaking me until I literally felt sick. I was worried that it was going to put a wall between me and God on the trip but I didn't know how to let it go. The Sunday before I left, I was crying during worship. I couldn't handle it anymore. Then we did this thing where we wrote what we wanted to give up to God on a piece of paper and left it on an altar in the front. Then we sang the words
"and if our God is for us then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then what could stand against" At that moment, I knew I was ready to go to China. I hadn't let it all go, but I was ready to go.
We met in Newark, NJ on Thursday, June 3. I was nervous but so excited. That night, we each told our stories of how God brought us there. It was so clear, that God specially picked our team and that he was going to move in us in incredible ways. If only I knew then how incredible it would be. A 13-hr plane ride, yurt stay, Great Wall climb, and a 10 hour overnight train ride later, we were pulling up to that beautiful big blue house. We had one mission: LOVE those kids as much as we possibly could. Every day was spent doing just that. On a typical day, we would wake up, play with babies, eat breakfast, play with babies, eat lunch, play with babies, do a devotion, play with babies, eat dinner, play with babies, devotion, bed. I wish I could just describe to you how much Maria's Big House of Hope is a beacon of God's love.
As a team, we worked through a devotional that was so essential to my trip. On one day in particular, the instructions called for us to read the first chapter in "The Calvary Road" When I opened up my packet, I read the title of the chapter, "Brokeness" God began teaching me that it is good to be broken, it means having humility. One of the constant themes that we visited everyday in devotions was pride. I never realized how much that I struggle with pride. It gets in the way of everything. Suddenly, I was able to pick out little things like irritability, self-consciousness, fear, worry and trace them back to pride. I began praying for God to forgive and deliver me from myself. Once I was able to look past myself, I was able to see those beautiful precious children in a whole new light. I don't think I would have learned from or appreciated all that God was pointing our if I hadn't been broken by all that happened in that last month of school.
We went to China to bless those orphans, but to tell the truth, I think they blessed us more. One thing that I wrote several times in my journal was that I feel sorry for those families who are now missing out on experiencing the joys of the kids personalities. I will highlight just a few:
Isaac: so incredibly full of life and laughter
Eli: gets the best smile award. he is mr. giggles.
Jim: never in my life have I met someone with so much love to give
Gabriel: he loves until it hurts!
Carter: my little cuddle bug. i miss him falling asleep in my arms
Lola: that is the face of mischief right there. she is such a caring little mom though. it is never boring with her around.
Grace: the little princess. she's a girl who knows what she wants. so funny and loves to turn on the charm.
Franky: i love that sweet sweet girl. she is such a beauty. i think about her everyday.
I'll stop myself there. I could go on and on about these kids. When I looked into their faces, all of the junk that I left at home no longer mattered. These kids were so much more important than all of that. I began questioning and crying out to God: If he is a God of love, then how could he allow this orphan crisis go on? 143 million orphans was no longer just a number. It was 143 million little faces. How come I have a family that loves me and these kids were left abandoned? I even got to the point of wondering why he even allowed them to be born if he was just going to leave them alone. I just couldn't come to terms with it but then we kept coming back to a familiar verse.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I have heard I have heard this verse too many times to count but now I can't help but thinking of my beautiful babies when I hear these words. God knows what he is doing. I cannot see the full picture yet but He has his hand held tightly around the kids at Maria's and the orphans all over the world.
In addition to the kids, God blessed me with the most amazing team. I met 18 women and Mikey. Without any one of them, the trip would not have been the same. It is so comforting to bond with people who have the same passion for China and orphans that I do. Never have I been on a trip where the group was so unified. We didn't have any problems getting along. To my team: I feel so honored to watch God work in all of your lives. You have truly blessed my life in ways that you can never imagine. You are each so beautiful and I will keep remembering you in my prayers. I can't wait for the day when we are all together again in heaven. 
This trip has taught me something so key about my creator. He is a God that delights in rising beauty from ashes. So much in this world has gone wrong but in him all things will work together for good. I am so thankful that I was rejected from the trip last year. It would not have been the same. As for school, I don't know if I am quite to the point where I am thankful that I am retaking that class, but If my heart had been in any other state going into this trip, I don't think I would have been able to fully absorb all that God was teaching me. I have also learned that God's calling in my life is not just about my career. I still believe that God wants me to be a nurse but nursing isn't everything anymore. God has called me to care for orphans. I am still not exactly sure what that will look like yet but right now I am just fine letting God take over and reveal his perfect plan in his perfect time. My trip may be over but my journey is just beginning.
